At the end of the day, I still feel like a nerdy loser.
I'm a Total Loser Because...
It's been a while since my last visit here. I'm still losing and losing hard. I still have a small dick, like that's ever going to change right... lol! I've gained a lot of weight too, like I wasn't a fat bitch enough already. I did manage to find a good enough paying job though, but I honestly don't posses the skills needed to excell at it so im constantly stressed. Still haven't had a girlfriend and I'm almost 30...sheesh. still living with mom and dad and still maturbating every fucking day. Yep. Life really is good.
I hate being a loser. It sucks when your breath is bad, dumb as hell, can't get a promotion, out of shape, belly is huge, and no one finds you attractive. How do I deal with all these flaws. It would be kinda nice if someone finds you attractive every now and again. I am the biggest joke at my job. Dumb as hell and can't get a promotion. It's so hard being SPECIAL-ED!!! People laugh at me all the tme; especially at work. When I am talking to anyone, I have to stand really far away so they won't smell my breath that smells like somebody's asshole.
Sooo...as a journalist, it's not often I get a vacation. And when I do, it's gotta be cheap, one due to an already low salary and two because I do have child support that crimps into what I earn (not that I'm complaining; there's nothing more I'd rather spend money on than my sons).
When a friend told me he is gathering a bunch of people together and renting a lake house for the week, and to join would only be $250 per person, I was in with bells on. Why not? A relaxing week where I could bike, stroll, and catch up on some reading that doesn't involve Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.
The house is a beautiful manse directly on a boating dock on South Lake Tahoe with 10 bedrooms. Well okay, seven bedrooms, but mine along with others are "staff quarters," if this gives you an idea of the type of house. So, that's nine singles and a married couple. The married couple are lifelong friends--both went to my high school, and we've been close since. They love trapping a bunch of 40-something singles for a week in a place like this to see who hooks up. They even go out of their way to split the invitees between men and women.
But yes, if you do the math, you can see there's an odd man out. It's not been stated, but I am the token odd man out. That's because I'm overweight. Maybe not grossly, but enough so I tend to have to hike up my pants while I walk on occasion, can't run very much without getting winded, and would rather have my fingernails pulled off by a Mossad interrogator than take my shirt off to go swimming.
So, yeah, I understood my place in the pecking order early on, and I honestly didn't mind. As I said, I rarely get vacations--at least ones that don't include me having the boys at my apartment--and especially ones where I'll probably spend less than $1,000 for a week.
As you can imagine, it's a booze-fueled week with lots of laughing, story telling, frolicking, and for many, sex. I knew a couple of the other people on the trip already--a fellow reporter who is normally imbedded with a US Army unit but is about to be reassigned--and a twice divorced lady who is kind of a known name in various Broadway performances. So, you have a lot of creative, diverse people that lead to a lot of compelling talks and late nights.
By Monday, I was having the time of my life--even without swimming.
So, it was a surprise when the Broadway diva's friend (let's name her Carol) started to flirt with me. And flirt with me hard. It began Monday evening as we were walking home from a nearby pub, talking as the sun dwindled behind the treeline, the lake's perfume wafted across the lane and the ciccadas were singing their chorus. She joked, "I really could use a piggy back ride!" She then turned to me, grinned and asked, "You game?"
"Sure! Why not? Better than Uber."
By then, most of the singles had, indeed, hooked up. We were also less one guy (my coworker I mentioned earlier, who stayed behind at the pub chatting up a young journalism-wannabe and probably wouldn't come back until the morning). So in some ways, I was the only one she could request a piggy back ride on without pissing off other paramours. Still, as she nested on my back, I swear I could feel her hips undulate against me, rubbing herself in a way that was nearly inperceptible except that I had grasped her thighs.
The night went on much like that. She sat next to me, making all the cues that expressed interest--laughing at my stupid jokes or war stories, patting my arm or touching me occassionally. I may be ugly, but I'm no dummy as to flirting.
On Tuesday, I was on for cooking duty. Being a South Carolina native, I can make a mean Low Country boil. I decided to bike to the local seafood market, and to my surprise, she joined me. We chatted about this and that, but nothing too deep. Just an enjoyable conversation that never seemed to tire or find a lack of things to say. Sure, there was a real chance that I was simply being "Friendzoned," as you youngins like to say, but it sure didn't feel like it.
She helped me prepare the stock pot, prep the seafood, sausage and corn and potatoes, asked me probing questions to my recipe since her family apparently had their own secreet sauce as well. By dinner, sitting next to one another, and after a few drinks, she was leaning against me and actively toying her foot and thighs against mine. These were not friendly caresses either. By now, all I was considering was how to segway between our guests and the bedroom with her.
After dinner, I plodded to the kitchen to fix another batch of my appletinis, so I was out of earshot, or at least to her I was. I could hear her chatting with her friend, who was calling her on her flirtations with me.
"He's a great guy. You should totally spend the night in his room, girl."
"What? I'd never sleep with that tub of lard!"
To saw the air suddenly chilled with discomfort was an understatement. I know she caught her friend and the others off guard. And certainly everyone tried to play it off when I reentered the kitchen, assuming I never heard a thing.
But I did. I heard every stinging, confusing word. Needless to say, her demeanor toward me made a complete 180 for the rest of the trip. She eventually hooked up with some guy she met at the pub.
For the remainder of the trip, I began to enjoy the things I originally intended: I read three books, spent a lot of time at a great little coffeehouse nearby during the mornings and afternoons, and even caught up on some sleep, purposefully ignoring political news until I left Sunday afternoon.
Look, being fat, I have to expect this. I get it. I really do. I wouldn't want to be seen with me either. I was lucky once, and got three great kids out of that. They are my life, outside of my career. I guess what's most painful about this incident is that for one brief, shining moment, I thought I found something again. A connection, both intimate and sexual. I mean, I wasn't imagining church bells and rings, but I remembered again how nice it was to have someone, to feel those early sparks of a budding love.
I guess I was wrong? I was played the fool? Well, whatever. I'm a total loser anyway, so the end result really comes as no shock.
Sometimes i wish I was intelligent. If I were, life would be so much easier. I've been trying to get a degree for the past 11 years, and I can't even do that. It hurts so much being a dumb ass!!! Everyone around me is so smart and all got degrees, and I am the only one who can't even get a Bachelor's Degree. I can't even get a promotion at work because everything is so difficult to understand. I know I'm thankful to be alive, but I know everyone would have a problem if their dumb, smells bad, breath stinks, and looks funny; just like me.
I am such a loser. BAD Breath, big belly, bald spot, big head, and dumb as shit!!!! I am so dumb, I can't even get a degree. Sometimes it hurts being special ed!!!!
I am a 25 year old loser who is unemployed, lives with my mommy in the projects, can't pass my GED no matter how many times I try, and am a sex addict. I can't get women so I go for the closest alternative which are post op or pre op trannies. For some reason thats all I attract. I don't attract females. I am actually about to meet up with one tonight. She sounds very much like a female and i am so perverted that i want to fuck her up the ass and pound her out even though its not really a woman. that's how low I will stoop. I am not gay at all and this person really does look like a girl. But its just funny how I would fuck anything that looks sounds and acts like a female. Any ways I am addicted to sex and put most of my effort tryng to find sex instead of doing anything else. I also keep denying my faith. I was a christian and when I follow Jesus Christ my life changes and I get many things done and my life turns around for the best. But I am addicted to sex and when I get extreme horny feelings I cave and go down the destructive path again. I do this all the time. I deny my faith because I cannot control my sick addiction. It's sad because living as a Christian changes my life for the better. But yeah I need to fuck. Even if its trannies its close enough. Im a loser. Have a good day.
I've been a loser. For many years, for so long.
Even though i laughed a lot in my youth, even though i had people to respect and to feel respected from, but never knew who i was for real until i woke up from "easy life", and when i mean easy life is that life-style where you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone, included myself.
I was fat, i didn't respect myself, i started smoking when i was 13, got drunk almost every weekend during my teen years,i was bullied at school (But i always fought back) i got hardly beaten up when i was 19 during a night out, came back home but dont remember how i did...i don't remember who picked a fight with me...or if they knew me...i just woke up at hospital with my brother and dad next to me, they were surprised i didn't remember anything because they said just 1 hour before i was talking to them...feels like my mind just forgot everything to let the pain go away...
People cheated on me, People laughed at me, People treated me like shit, People USED me for their purpose... I made lots of mistakes, Said lot of wrong things...
But trust me..."A boxer gets hit many times until he learns how to fight properly"
THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU FUCKING STRONG...
THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU A TRUE MAN OR A TRUE WOMAN!!!!
The harder life hits you, the stronger you become, and this is for real.
The only way to achieve turning that pain you suffer into "wisdom muscle" is not to feel pity, shame or stuff everytime you fall down, if you fall down is because once you've been up, and as soon as you're up in the ring again...
Pain doesn't make you a loser, failure doesn't make you a loser, being bullied doesn't make you a loser.
Soldiers feel pain, fail and get hit...and they're still soldiers...warriors.
Without rainy days, sunny days wouldn't be that nice.
Nothing last forever....Trust me
Don't ask me how, because i don't know what did i do or how did i do it...but the truth is today im not a loser anymore.
A loser is not a tag other people set on you...a loser is a feeling,and a feeling becomes and attitude so it's YOU who make yourself a loser. You can control what you think...so you do with the words you use to speak. Huh?
Points i want you to know:
Rule #1 Once you respect yourself, everyone will respect you. AND THIS IS FUCKING TRUE.
(Actually this is what im experiencing now, everyone respects me)
Rule #2 Watch what you think. Turn that shit into positive, give up thoughts like:
"Oh shit, i'm a loser" "I don't deserve it" "I will not make it" and shit
*"I'm the fucking boss in here, i've been thru all that pain and i may be stronger than many out there"
*"I really deserve it, Because i've fought so hard till now, because i managed to keep my self up until now"
*"I'm a soldier, and there's still battle to be fought, but it doesn't matter how deep i fall, it's my heart and my will who's gonna take me outta this hole"
Just think about what kind of thoughts a positive person has on mind.
Rule #3 Search for your dreams...what do you wanna become? Where do you wanna live? What do you wanna do in life? How do you wanna feel in the future?? DREEEEAMMMMMM!!!
Who said imaging was a waste of time????
Imaging gets you closer to your dreams, once you imagine something it's your choice to make it come true or not (please don't imagine yourself being spiderman or something like that, be realistic, thanks)
Rule #4 Healthy Body, Smart Soul
Train, it doesnt matter you don't feel like you will achieve to get fit or shit.
Just train, 1h a day, it'll make you become the wild animal you deserve to be.
Most feared animals are strong, intelligent and fast.
Rule #5 True people got respect for others.
Going around messing up with people doesnt make you feel better but an asshole.
You don't earn respect bullying, you earn respect achieving goals that in one hand will make you feel self-confident and in other hand will make you grow up as a person..."HUSTLE HARD!"
But remember...Golden RULE...If anyone fucks with you, make them pay for it, show how sure you are about your goals, about your ethic, moral. Dont exceed with the "payback". Just payback the own coin, if it doesnt work, go hard on 'em.
Once... I was a loser, and i'm not anymore.
Most dark skinned male nerds (black) like me are ugly and are considered a faggot.