July 13, 2015

Before I begin, I'm gonna say, I have a lot to say. And thanks for reading, if you are gonna, because NOBODY ever gives a fuck about any sort of negative expression. I've been thinking that that gets people attention too, and was making some beats down at soundcloud about my negative expirience and nobody gives. What???? Crystal Castles is negative. Why can't my songs be negative and gain more followers?? Whatever. So here goes.

I'm 20, I live with my parents. I go to college, and now I'm a loner, and it will make sense to you soon after. I stay inside my empty room for most of the time, no posters, no nothing, no fleshlight, because masturbation depresses me and I can't even get horny anymore, and I just vape the shit out of myself instead - and I just spend hours on end with my MPK making hip hop beats. Everything else in the world is pretty redundant to my isolated self. I have an income sorce 100-180 a week - which my father doesn't approve of a real job. It's an internship at a graphic apparel "company" startup, drawing designs for apparel like douchey baseball caps' designs and "apparel lifestyle graphic" tees. At least I get to work from home. (*loser status*) I tried getting laid (I'm not a virgin, thank bejesus), and I hit up multiple people, and one decided not to flake, so I just dated a school weirdo from college (because no matter how desperate FUCK OkCupid) and I was like, huh, how can this be. I'm so cool. I have a job at a graphic design company and I'm gonna take over the world. I have connections to DefJam, Nikki Diamond. LRG. Because my boss tells me so. I don't deserve this sh*t. She's all loopy and makes no sense. I think she's crazy. I just heard her mutter out "I love you." It's our first date. And she just said she's a hoarder. That can't be good. Really. I really don't deserve this shit. I'm Cool Cat!!! So through this I reflected on myself and I just came in terms with myself. I was a weirdo loser. That's why she's the only girl that didn't flake.

Now let me explain this Cool Cat shit. I used to be called Cool Cat - yes that was my nickname, and that's really ironic and funny because when I was given that nickname, that was the start of my loserdom. I think now that I look back with a clearer consience, it was irony. People were just making fun of me. The story starts way back to the freshman year of my highschool. There was a cute little hapa girl - and I didn't know back then that girls farted and picked boogers for fun, and smelled their cookies after they scratch it - I was too naive. Plus I didn't know I existed yet. In other words I was't thinking on my own. I was passive until recently. Whatever, anyways, She asked me if I can teach her Japanese. It was our mother tounge. I was like I'm in love with you. Yeah, that creepy, loser type, """"love"""", if you can call it that, even. I was obsessed with her looks. I was already judging her because she was a girl, and she was beautiful. I didn't interact with her as a person. I was already a jerk and a loser for doing that. I ended up not teaching her Japanese. Like what the fuck did that even mean. She had such a serious face when she said that. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! *wheeze*

Anyways. After that I was obsessed with her forever until senior year. Yeah. Creepy. I know. And my feelings brewed even harder for her, so I decided to be "cool". I took on drugs. I abused alchol, and tried to "impress" her. I became friends with ravers, and got high on weed all the time. That's when my nickname was born. Since I was hanging out with cat ravers, I decided to get a tail of my own. I extended my belt on the backside, and made it look like a tail. In my high head, I thought I was perfect. I was like, in my head, this perfect hybrid of a stoner, a raver, and a hip hop head. I thought I was awesome. HAHAHA. And then I got put into this program for potheads, where they help ghetto kids get rid of their addiction. I was the only guy there from a middle class family. What a loser. I thought smoking pot and not givin a fuck was cool. There the head guy at the program saw my attire and my attitude, and he was like, "hm, you're kind of a cool cat." THIS IS WHEN I STARTED TO CALL MYSELF COOL CAT!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!! SRSLY!!!!!!!!! Then I posed, and not give a fuck, to get the girls attention. My masked worked for like, a month. She took the yearbook classroom photo with me. We were sitting at the center of the class, and we were like, sitting next to eachother, although it was possibly a class joke put on me. 

And when I got into college, my catness faded. It's because I went back to Japan for the summer and I started making sense again, because Japan isn't full of crazy fuckers. Whatever. I pulled off a douche mask and got laid so I can get rid of my sad virginity. Right after that I felt better socially in college, but I picked up a smoking habit from my girlfriend. So I usually hung out at smoke areas by myself, because after I came back from Japan I knew I was a stupid loser, and I just wanted to get high off of nicotine and listen to my hip hop songs that I loved. Then people thought I was "cool" because I was hip hop and I smoked cigs. LOL WHAT. And people were like, wanna smoke weed? Here we go again. I'm a loser loner at heart. I was good enough that I was smoking cigarettes, I WAS HAPPY THAT I WAS ALONE SMOKING, OK?????? AND PEOPLE BUG ME. THEN, I was like, oh, I'm cool! I'm offered weed!!!!! I was a weedfag. How stupid.

After I started getting high again, Cool Cat came back into my life. I started thinking I was this hip hop - raver - stoner hybrid, and I was going crazy. Because part of the rave culture is about plur, and all that shit - and they don't belive in gender, I got insane. I was like, in my high mind, are they LESBIANS?????? THEY ALL DRESS LIKE GIRLS - ??????? - And then I thought I was gay, so I treated myself like a girl. And then a lesbian liked me. I thought I was going to be made fun of, but no, lesbians chased after me. My first dance in college was a intimate dance with a tomboy. She liked how I was a tomgirl. WTF. This Cool Cat thing was getting way too out of hand. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was the tail. Ok. I was the tail. I was a hip hop gangster one day of the week, and a girl with a perfume bottle (because my mother loves me) another, both with a cat tail. The tail defined me. (??????) From this identity crisis I started making no sesne. I was, no longer actually cool. But I kept calling myself Cool Cat. People started to avoid me, because I made no sense. I was, yes, I was crazy for sure. 

I went tagging the other day with a potfriend of mine, although I really should cut him off. I probably will. He's from the past and he said I'm not cool anymore. I don't care if I'm not cool anymore. I want my sanity back really hard. So I stopped calling myself cool cat. That was just yesterday. And I'm 20. The fuck. Buttfuck him too, because he thinks I'm lame because I don't smoke weed. Where the fuck does he get his potmoney. He doesn't even have a job. 

Now I am isolated. I am a loner, and I just came back to my senses, after I cleaned up my room. I remembered how that one werido date I had was a hoarder. SO, I was like, fuck my shit in my room, I'm gonna clean everything up, and make sure I move on from my past. Meaning, I embrace it, and know that I was a loser, and move on. THE WORST PERSONALITY TRAIT I HAD, WAS THAT I WAS ALWAYS IN DENIAL. I EVEN DENIED MYSELF. IF I TAUGHT HER JAPANESE LIKE A REGULAR PERSON TREATING ANOTHER PERSON REGULARLY, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Right now, in my room, is a computer, some tapes and a MPK, and I'm probably gonna be making beats in isolation for a while. I'm socially dead. It's the perfect time to make beats. Plus, I know who I am now, I'm just a simple beat head. Not a cat. Fuck Cool Cat.

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