Loser of the Week
October 20, 2010

I met a man who said "Just Kidding" all the time. We dated. He blew me off. He is a loser, but clearly so am I, because I liked him.  In the name of moving on I have written him a letter explaining all the things that are wrong with him...and wrong with me for liking him...

 

Dear Just Kidding,

Your jokes suck...no really they just aren't funny. And I'm not kidding.

You also sweat a lot.

You have small patches of long thick brown hairs on your back and while a hairy chest is sexy...that's not.

You have a lisp. Enough saidth.

You're a crappy friend for telling me your bestie uses dildos on girls (or rather that he puts the same used one back in the package and reuses it on girls).

There seems to be a big bald spot growing on the back of your head. You may want to look into getting a toupee.

You claim stories are "crazy" then proceed to tell the longest most boring tale anyone outside of the 3rd grade has ever heard.

You don't understand the difference between a miscarriage and a still birth and English is your first language.

You don't hold your knife and fork properly.

You have terrible posture.

You eat pizza like an animal.

You say stupid, obvious things like "exercise is good for you."

You once mispronounced seminal as semenal...again English is your first language.

You close your eyes during sex. If it’s too overwhelming to open your eyes, maybe you're not ready to actually have sex.

You snore....really loudly.

Sometimes your breath smells.

You claim you really want a wine rack but that they're too pretentious. I think talking about wine racks is pretentious.

You called me from Bermuda and shared stories about getting sunburned and your dislike of dark and stormy drinks even though you like both rum and ginger beer individually - just not together.

You have pictures of Paris metro signs and the Eiffel Tower in your kitchen. I don't care that you rented the place furnished, unless you're a girl decorating her dorm room, there is no excuse for having these on your walls.

You asked me what the most dangerous city I've been to is, leading me to believe that your answer would be something interesting along the lines of Kabul, Baghdad, or Bogotá - Washington D.C. kind of felt like a letdown.

You told me you wouldn't be surprised if your Dad has hit your Mom, yet, you seemed offended when I referred to him as volatile. Perhaps you see domestic violence in a more romantic light than I do.

You asked if Hollywood was really like Entourage...and you were serious.

All the best,

The girl you didn’t call

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  1. Marian00 Marian00 said: This letter is nice and funny but why did you like him? Surely you can do better?
  2. Marian00 Marian00 thinks you're a loser
  3. AllieR AllieR thinks you're a loser
  4. daisy_duke daisy_duke said: lmfao!! You are HILARIOUS!! This letter RULES!!
  5. beverlysmommy beverlysmommy said: "You eat pizza like an animal." Love it. And I hate when people don't hold their utensils properly. Monkeys.
  6. beverlysmommy beverlysmommy thinks you're a loser
  7. timbalanced timbalanced thinks you're a loser
  8. CinnamonGirl CinnamonGirl said: You are awesome. This letter rules.
  9. CinnamonGirl CinnamonGirl thinks you're a loser