February 23, 2015
Some people are supposed to find love, have friends who care for them, and overall experience a fulfilling life. I am not one of these people and I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Don't get me wrong, we all have shit and demons to face. Even the happy ones go through hard times and a lot probably have it worse than I do. The difference is I am not a "strong" person and I don't have anyone to lean on. I am not happy and probably wouldn't be even if I had everything I ever wanted. I was made to be alone and most likely will always be alone. The problem isn't others, it's me and always has been. I can't accept myself, I don't expect anyone else to. The one thing that gives me comfort is that I can end it all if I choose and I probably will. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even for years and years. One day though, it'll get to be too much and most likely I'll do it. Because I'm weak and live in fear. Because I'm overly sensitive and can't handle this stupid fucking life. The average person goes through so much bullshit in this lifetime, but the average person usually has at least one other person who understands them and is their to help. I am not the average person, I naturally alienate cause I'm scared of everyone I meet. Get to know me and you'd back off too. Thanks for attending my pity party, enjoy your complimentary party bag. It's empty, just like me.
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January 27, 2015

I’m a loser, clichéd self-loathing loner.  My life is meaningless, my existence futile.  I’ve had issues with mental health/substance abuse problems in my past.  Psychotic episodes that were for public consumption on social media for all to see.  I alienated EVERYBODY in my life, intentionally and unintentionally.  27yr old college dropout with no friends and absolutely no one to talk to about my life.  No one who understands.  It’s been this way for years, multiple therapists were all dead ends.  I’m a virgin, a self-conscious porn addicted virgin.  Ugly?  Yes, of course.  Still living with parents?  What self-respecting loser isn’t?  At least I’ve been sober for the past 2yrs, but shit, that just makes me more of an outcast cause everybody fucking drinks.  Attended Alcoholic’s Anonymous for awhile, but I’m not really into lifestyle cults with dogmas that tell me I have to work the steps or die of cirrhosis from a substance that I have no control over.  I tried to make friends there, buuuuuttttt, tow the line or get out.  I couldn’t connect, I never can. 

I have these thoughts, that maybe this life isn’t real and all we’re experiencing is just a subconscious illusion of relative truths and experiences that shape a greater cosmic intelligence to justify the ends of some means that we’ll never understand.  Processed and reincarnated over and over for the purpose of intense suffering.  My mom tells me all I need is Jesus.  If only spiritual fulfillment were that simple.  Maybe it is for some people, but I’m not wired that way.

I’m flawed, I live in bondage to worldly desires/impulses.  I punch in and out, collect my paycheck while I make a lot more money for someone else.  This life sucks and only cause I allow it to.

To all my fellow losers out there,

Maybe it doesn’t get better, maybe this life is what it’s supposed to be.  Doomed to the social maladies and afflictions that we’re born with.  Genetic predispositions that we can’t re-code.

Loser, total loser.  Like-minded people only exist on another planet and I’m just sitting here, unable to connect.  Always unable to connect.  Fuck, I’m rambling but it feels good to vent.  Thanks for letting me share on this pathetic site.

“Trust those who seek the truth, but doubt those who say they have found it.” – Andre Gide

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