March 11, 2014

guess who didn't pass the driving test the second time around? all because I failed to notice the parking brake was still up.  could have just stopped me from driving, saved us a half-minute (and not risk any damage to my friend's vehicle) and just told me to get out, I failed already.


and there's only one friend giving me any support. one friend quite frankly doesn't give a shit cause there's always drama going with her and the world revolves around her and how miserable she is.  another friend pretty much put me down.  she does use a blunt additude and stinging remarks to try to push me, but it puts me down a lot and doesn't always help. she probably thinks I'm a loser considering my age and my lack of employment, still living with family and not even able to pay them rent anymore having to do chores to stay here (though she's in that same situation there, but that's due to chemo and cancer keeping her from being able to work), no license, no car, late start in life and need I go on?  I also think she looks down on me because of my apparent ethnicity.  Sure I've practically been mistaken for everything except black and white, but my assumed ethnicity, even with the perks that it allegedly brings, does not mean I buy into the hype and believe that I'm priveleged that I deserve everything to just be handed to me without any effort on my part at all. in fact...what I do have...I don't feel like I deserve it.  not saying I deserve better, no, I deserve worse.  what I have now is too good for the likes of me.

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  1. astonf1 astonf1 said: if i can chat to u to make you feel better, don't hesitate .things can't get any worse right/?
  2. iamnotaloser iamnotaloser said: I know it is really frustrated to be part of a place that seems that does not belong to us anymore, but if you are feeling that you need to move on with your life, do it. Do not feel bad about your driving test, i fell five times, but i kept doing,

Loser of the Week
March 9, 2014

seriously? what's the point...writing this? well, either this or crawl back into my bed crying again. would it really even make a difference?


I should have never been born. unwanted and unloved. story of my life. I'm the bastard conceived in wedlock, but unwanted all the same. older brother...I once heard mum considered having an abortion when she got pregnant with him, and yet she was married when she got preggy with me yet I feel like I was the one up for abortion. would have been better if I was. would have been better for everyone if I was. waste of space. just a burden. never amount to anything, doesn't matter how hard I try.


what's the point? I'm a living ghost. neglected most of my childhood.  grew up thinking I didn't have a father. basically true. that man was never anyone's father and probably never will be anyone's father no matter how many more illegite or even legit offspring he sires.  of course bro looks up to him.  they're just the same, yet I'm the one who gets bitch slapped in the face for looking like him when I more like look like his mum than anyone else on that side? at least a slap in the face reminds me I'm alive.  its something.  better to be abused than neglected. at least then I know I exist...though I wish I didn't.


was never thought of much. only girl growing up wearing boys hand me downs.  the boys got away with everything. wished I was a boy cause I thought that was what was wrong with me. wasn't loved cause I was a girl. maybe that's true. mum once told me that my aunt should have loved me.  always wanted a daughter. hers was still born or something but...maybe that was why I was hated even more. why did my mum get to have a daughter and not her? I suppose it doesn't matter.  unwanted is still unwanted. boys could do whatever they wanted to me, and oh did they. I was a liar unless one of them was on my side.  they could break and deface my dolls and no one would get their asses bared and tore up with a belt until either they stopped crying or received the prescribed amount of lashes...whichever came last. yet wake up one morning on the floor tangled in cassette tape and the crybaby gets a lecture, her prized possession, which had already had its fur cut without any justicve done, threatened, and the ass beating. yeah, they were right when they told me no one would believe me if I told them what they did to me...not that I even knew at 8 or less years what they were doing to me, or trying to do. I wasn't so pathetic that I didn't try to struggle.


why did I ever have hope? where has this false hope gotten me? little false hopes of affection, but I suppose I've always known...just been too naive to accept.  I'll die alone my own hand most likely, though it'll take me being completely abandoned to do it. a promise is a promise after all. can't break it even if I wanted. I've tried.  bound by my word, what can I say?  friends...never had very many, but they came and go. some moved away. can't be helped. sometimes it was me who moved away. but mostly, most lately in my life...they just abandon me. disconnect. I disappear.  become a ghost. like I don't exist. which I shouldn't. everyone would be better off and happier.


jobless.  wasn't always.  didn't get my first job til my 20s. education came first. last job...almost 7 years. best customer service.  I hear some of them still ask about me.  told two of them my situation. fired, but not fired. very fitting for someone who exists, yet doesn't. thanks I get? well, at least I still have the employee discount. I was getting nowhere there. no room for upward mobility. all I had was my customer service. an untrained monkey could do my job. all you had to do was have a good attitude, or at least fake it. put on that happy mask I used to wear. only smiled at work. home was, and is where I'm free to be miserable. its a miserable place and its not like my family really notices let alone cares.


one of my friends...she's had it rough...worse life than me. never as good as her other siblings...cancer...parents putting her down...and yet she rarely fells to remind me how much of a loser I am. said I should have gotten my license a long time ago. been wanting to drive for over half my life now. never had any illusions of getting a car for sweet 16. poor white trash you know. queens...entitled. mum likes to think we're middle class, even middle middle or upper middle. how many single parent families are really middle class? maybe upper lower, but really?  at least I have my own room.  only got to share it with the cats, and that's fine.  queens...only in their mind. little bitch girl on their beck and call. what else is there? they aren't my family even if they're blood, or should I say, I'm not they're family.  just the live in help who doesn't get paid. still...not so bad as it used to be I suppose.


going no where fast. I'll never pass my road test. I cut someone off.  how could I do that? don't deserve to drive, let alone live.


dying? why be afraid? if there is nothing after this life, then there is nothing to fear. yet if there is a paradise...then be good and you have nothing to fear. if there is a hell, yes, there is something to fear if you have not been good. is what we should fear.  look at this world. filled with poison and hate and suffering. no love...or at least it is fleeting or merely illusion.  or maybe that's just my lot. nobody will ever love me. for the best. it'll only be suffering, pain, and death otherwise. alone and fate. can't seem to shake such childhood premonition. can pretend it isn't true, but that alone won't avoid it.


what can I do?  doesn't matter what I do. always the same. pointlessness. nothingness. invisible little ghost. it'll all end up alone. empty, alone, rejected, and neglected. never should have been born. never should exist. merely a plague. a burden. waste of space.

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  1. HopelesslyWeird HopelesslyWeird said: cassette tape? odd.
  2. chanceisperf chanceisperf thinks you're a loser
  3. aloaqp aloaqp said: Play minecraft, it helps. Or play league of legends, or watch Anime, or eat chips while listening to an ASMR video. Or call someone and talk, or sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, dont worry.
  4. Blandperson Blandperson said: You are right life sucks everybody is important but us we don't belong.Your problems are not important and you are not special...
  5. bitchmade bitchmade said: you are smart enough to see that the people around you are dumb right, so be smart enough to know that you are not them and you are special even though ive never meet you, you helped me with your story, fuck them, love you every stinky crevice of you
  6. iamnotaloser iamnotaloser said: There is someone that loves you. he loves you so much , so much that you barely can find yourself inside of so much love and care. Do not waste your time thinking about who does not loves you, think how much he loves you and everything change.
  7. batmanboxers batmanboxers said: Hello fellow loser. Will you be my best friend? Ok thanks, stop crying and get your ass over here so we can lay some paintball. Btw i love you :)
  8. batmanboxers batmanboxers thinks you're a loser