October 2, 2017

After 10 months, I still look the same

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September 2, 2017

Again, I face a decision I don’t want to make. My stupid brother and stupid mother are making this difficult for me, and I can’t act neutrally. Whichever decision I make will “mean” something. I am talking about visiting for Christmas or not going. Equally, I will regret either decision and that I should’ve made the other. No matter what happens, I will be full of regret.

My stupid mother’s favorite tool is guilt-tripping. My stupid brother’s favorite tool is blame. My stupid mother is catching on and also using blame as a tool. I am sure to catch both guilt and blame whether I go or not, and whether I decide to explain myself or not will also yield equally unpleasant, if different, results.

My favorite tool is predicting outcomes and telling people when I told them so.

Another regret I’ll have is if I decide not to go and my stupid mother actually kicks off before I see her again (I’ve limited family visits to Christmas and special occasions for 13 years). I moved far away because my stupid family drives me absolutely nuts but I’ll still feel bad. Her rapidity of talking about dying has only grown; while I dismiss it as her using her favorite tool, I know that one day or night, it’s going to happen. She has implanted that fear in me which means it’s a contrived fear. There should be no difference between talking on the phone and seeing her in person but she draws a distinction which means I am sure to feel guilty.

The reason this Christmas trip is contentious is my brother is fucked up and actually lost his mind—psychiatric institution style—and told me to bug off forever. He then told my mother that he said no such thing. My stupid brother and I have not communicated in over a year because I respected his request and stopped trying. Before he told me he’s not my brother, I was actively trying to maintain a relationship with that asshole, but now: fuck ‘em. If he’s just going to be a god-damn bastard face, then I don’t want to keep trying. In the unlikely event he tries to contact me, I will probably ignore him. Like I said: fuck ‘em. My stupid mother thinks I am responsible and that I need to call him and bridge the gap or some bullshit. She does not believe that’s exactly what I was doing when he had his months-long temper tantrum in 2016 (and as far as I know, still ongoing). She also does not believe that her sweet little boy would be such an ass-hat to me even though he has been to her and she knows he totally lost his mind, claimed rape while under care at a mental hospital, retaliated hard when I asked my sister to make calls for police intervention because my stupid mother thought it was better for him to stay in a rapey hospital while zonked out under who-knows-what meds, recanted his claim of being raped, and labeled me as manipulative and controlling for demanding the police get involved when I thought (because he said) he was raped. She’s willfully denying all these things and wants us to “just get along.”

Moreover, my stupid mother is trying to be an intermediary when neither my stupid brother nor I seek reconciliation. While I would be happy to forget that asshole, every time she brings him up, I just resent him more. I told her that if she is having any impact at all, she is only serving to make things worse, because while I might have accepted a call from him before, I am now determined to ignore him and avoid him.

He likely won’t show up for Christmas because he’s played that game for years, dangling it and making a family visit conditional upon family members acting the way he wants them to. Because I saw how openly manipulative that was, I decided that I would just show up once a year without conditions, act happy, and be honest, if pressed, about why I limit my family visits—but not try to negotiate about it. But now I need to consider whether I can even continue an annual visit because my stupid brother and mother have drawn me into their retarded game.

I am loser because that's what I come from. It doesn't matter what I do—I will not be able to escape it. More on my dead dad next time.

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August 5, 2017

I had a doc appt yesterday and during it was thinking about my hypocrisy in criticizing my brother for his meds usage and I do the same. For years, I have been unwilling to curb my Paroxetine usage because I was afraid of going back to the way I was when I was a teen. I DO still strongly believe Paroxetine helped me through some times but at the expense of learning how to deal with those times without medicine. That could be a reason people think I’m weird. I also tend to deny if something is affecting me when it may be clear to others I am affected. Getting rid of this secret medicine may help to remove the cloud of secrecy from my shoulders.

Wednesday was the last time I took a 40 mg Paroxetine pill. I missed Thursday and yesterday due to rushing out the door, which happens sometimes. Today is Saturday, the third day, and I’m intentionally skipping it. I took the missed days out of my pill reminder, and tomorrow, Sunday, my normal day to fill up the pill reminder, I will only fill it with multivitamins.

There are a few things I’ll need to look out for. Currently, I feel my life is meaningless about 3-4 days per week. Let’s call it 50%. I’ll need to see if that changes.

Before I was medicated, I had chronic upset stomach. It affected me mentally and physically. I had morning urgent bathroom trips and periodically throughout every day. I felt shameful about it, and my anus was always burning because of needing to wipe it so much.

Another effect of upset stomach was a chronic feeling of impending doom and gloom.

Another effect of upset stomach was very short attention span. It was very hard to pay attention to what anyone was telling me when I was in so much pain.

Since those days, I have learned a lot about dependencies and addictions. When I was a teenager, my understanding of addictions was that only bad people had them. I have since learned that the human capacity for addiction is used as a tool in social engineering on a conspiratorially large scale. Every person is susceptible to the phenomenon and must be wary of it.

Ultimately, I am responsible for what I put in my body. I am very aware that I have *chosen* to continue with my regimen of a mind-altering substance, believing the benefits to be greater than the drawbacks. At the age of 34 years and 4 months, I have spent approximately 15 years under the influence of doctor-prescribed substances because of the belief that I function on a higher level and am ultimately a better person under the influence of these medicines. Further, Paroxetine and its cousins are not intensely regulated distribution-wise, expensive, or hard to get a hold of.

But I still have this nagging feeling that I’m not normal because of my usage of this chemical concoction. I should be able to overcome my hardships by leveraging knowledge to change my circumstances. My answer to changing my circumstances has been to consume the drug. Yes, it physically changes my insides. My mind and gut function differently because of it. But what if I could do something less reliant on an industry which seeks to have me buy its pills for the rest of my days? I’m not delusional in thinking I can make it without buying products. I know I can’t. Should I draw a distinction between food and chemicals? I can’t strongly say one way or another. I have felt benefits and their opposite, simultaneously. Unfortunately, I can’t choose to both use and not use the drug at the same time.

In the last 15 years, my dosage has increased and decreased, changed brands, changed combinations, changed release mechanisms (continuous or extended release vs. non continuous or extended release), changed surrounding factors such as alcohol consumption, relationship status, and work environment, and changed consistency from never missing a day, to missing several days in a row, to sporadically missing a day here or there. If, at the end of my days, I am to be judged based on my array of life experiences during that time, I believe I will get a thumbs-up for variety but a thumbs-down for failing to achieve that variety without an industrially produced and sold to me for profit chemical altering my psyche at all times (and my insistence that I need it). I’m still not 100% convinced that I don’t need it, but at the here and now, I am ready to admit that I could’ve been wrong. Perhaps I did not tread the most wholesome or enlightened path. I am ready to attempt to live in a way that is less conducive to being strung along by those who seek to profit by telling me it’s good for me.

Begin 1 month.

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  1. Loser4life Loser4life said: hey , u probly not (cannot) be worse than me..so it sounds like you just have a brain/mind impairment. my sister and i have the same thing..its just a chemical thing in your head and sometimes it manifests worse in certain people, i kno how it is


November 26, 2014

I guess the thing to do is reveal my age and sex then tell my story. This story should entertain you because it's not overtly loserly but it does expose some of my and my friends' loserly characteristics.

I'm a 31 year old man.

I fell in love with a girl when I was 13. I never actually fell out of love with Angie, but now I would just call it a long-term crush. She's never been my girlfriend. When I lived with my parents I was strongly discouraged from having a girlfriend, so much so, you might call it disallowed. Because of this culture I was cowardly when talking to girls anyway, but I'm 100% sure she knew I was crushing on her because I was frank about it when my little junior high friends would tease me.

We went to different high schools but I didn't get over her. We even arranged "dates" sometimes, like twice, where we would timidly talk about who-knows-what. I would sometimes call her house, back in the days when people had home phones, and yes, even before Caller ID was a big thing, and get scared and hang up. Her image in my head was that of a goddess. Maybe something to do with teenage hormones or chemicals or whatever but she's permanently imprinted on my brain.

My first year of college I had three guy roommates, so four guys in one apartment. We had all gone to high school together and two of them were former crushes of my crush, so the three of us had this one chick in common. Follow so far?

You tend to bond with college roommates and in a moment of candor while out to lunch with Nhon one day, I expressed to him that I was still hung up on our old friend Angie. I expected teasing and a hard time like any good college roommate would provide and he provided, and I expected him to rile me for a long time and he did, which was fine and completely expected.

After I dropped out of college, one of the many books I read was Love in the Time of Cholera which told the story of a young man who never got the one woman he truly desired until they were old and wrinkly, and I comforted myself thinking I have a lifetime to achieve my woman. Even if she gets married, even if I get married, I'll wait for her, wait 'til her husband dies, then sweep her off her feet.

Between 16 and 21 we didn't communicate: I was probably non-existent to her. I moved a thousand miles away to a new city when I was 21. I felt I needed to get away from everyone I knew, which no longer included my love, so I could do my life my way without being told, "Do this, do that, you're doing it wrong." I had a girlfriend in my new city who I was infatuated with but not in love with. I still am in my city and go "home" once a year for Christmas.

Angie found my email online and messaged me in 2005; good for me! She had actively sought me out and opened a line of communication with me! We started talking on the phone and over several weeks I was open and honest with her. I apologized for sounding creepy and nonchalantly told her she was the one and always would be; I think she's magic and I couldn't be happier that she sought me out. We remained casual friends for two or so years before I decided she must think I'm a loser and I should stop bothering her. Although she's the one, it won't do anybody any good if I just annoy the piss out of her.

Our communication died off in 2007. I do know I have a tendency to be boring and it would be worse than death for me if she thought I was boring, worthless, annoying, etc. and it would be better to let her forget me altogether than for her to remember me as some loser. So a couple more years passed and she emailed me again. She must be between boyfriends and bored, maybe wants to toy with my heart like a cat plays with a dead mouse, who knows. But I got excited again, because this Love in the Time of Cholera theme seems to be playing out, like I'm a backup, and I'm ok with that! Call me anything you want! Just call me!

Our timid relationship lulled again, and for another couple years. Two years ago, to break the silence, I emailed her and made her promise we wouldn't take years between responses, that I valued our friendship and that she's an important person to me. We mostly text back and forth every couple weeks or months now, and that's enough for me, so long as she doesn't hate me or forget me. Remember, this woman is the one and I can wait a lifetime for her.

Now I'll talk about Nhon. He's a dickhead and we've been friends since we were teenagers. When we get together it's classic guy talk--we talk about girlfriends, hot booties, gettin head, doing inhuman horrific things to women, it's really a hoot & a holler. He mostly understands that Angie is a sensitive subject for me, and every once in a while will ask what's up with us but MOSTLY leaves her out of our dehumanizing conversations. As a a courtesy I also MOSTLY don't talk about his girlfriends. Occasionally we get in bitch fights and bring up sore subjects to rile the other motherfucker. Remember, when we were all 13, Angie had a huge crush on him, the same time I had a huge crush on her. He has ALWAYS maintained he was NEVER interested in her. He also sometimes makes a joke about going after her, fully trying to get a rise out of me. I always tell him it's not funny and we should talk about something else.

Less than three months ago, Nhon texted me a picture of Angie's OKCupid profile pic and dickheadedly asked me for my blessing to pursue her. Hell fucking no, I told him. She's mine, there are millions of other girls and the only reason he would go after her is to brag to me that he got her and I didn't. It's not a fucking race and she's not a fucking prize we're competing over. She's mine and that's that. Find someone else, asshole. While I found it perfectly plausible that they could encounter each others' profiles online just by browsing, I still believed that motherfucker was just trying to rile me and he wasn't serious about trying to date her. I got a text from Angie asking, "You didn't give Nhon my number? :P apparently he's been wanting to date me?!?!?" to which I replied, "Huh? No I won't facilitate that. You're supposed to be mine :) even if only in my mind." Nhon kept up his assholery and kept asking me for her number and I got really pissed and told him to fuck off. Finally I gave him the number 1-900-fuck-you and left it at that.

A week later:

"Still mad?"

"Depends on if u tried to have sex with her."

"Nope. Just catching up as friends. The message she sent you was taken out of context."

"You're still an asshole."

A month and a half later he called me again and Angie was not a topic. I spoke to him coldly but cordially and just updated him on current personal events.

Today he called me. It's the day before Thanksgiving and I long ago expressed to him that I'm pissed about his childish behavior regarding my love interest, so I answered the phone with pleasure hoping we could get back to our old ways. He asked about my job and love life and all that and I asked about his love life and he said he actually is dating someone. "Oh? Where did you meet her? Tinder?" "OKCupid." "Is it somebody we've talked about before?" "Yeah." "Are you messing with me?" "No." "How long have you been dating?" "About two months, well, that includes the time we were just catching up on old times." I gave him some test questions that he would only know if he had been talking to her in the last two months, which he answered. "Were you scared as balls to tell me about this?" "Yeah." I let him ramble on about how he's sure it woulda been me if I was living in that city, that it was just a matter of timing, that there's a great woman out there for me somewhere, that I'm a great guy and have so much going for me, blah blah blah, just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll find the perfect woman. Bullshit.

I've idolized her for 18 years. I know she's had boyfriends and she knows I've had girlfriends. She has broken my heart at least a dozen times and I always tell myself she gets unlimited chances. That I will always be available for her. That I'll drop whatever I'm doing if she indicated I'm the one for her. That I'll abandon my house and move back to her city if we can get married and live happily ever after.

They joined forces on this one to break me once and for all. At 31 I'm still lovesick over the same woman, the news made me nauseous, I dropped tears, I looked in the mirror and watched my lips quiver and nose drool. I imagine Nhon pissing lighter fluid on me after I'm shattered, then throwing a lit match and giggling as I catch fire and disintegrate into ashes.

Nhon's done. He knows it. But her. I'm such a loser I'll forgive her in two years.

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  1. OscarWilde OscarWilde said: There's a spanish saying "Amor viejo, ni te olvideo ni te dejo" it means "Old love, can't forget you, or leave you" Sometimes love is not enough. Even when two people love each other. Think about it. *Search for Pook and Anti-Dump
  2. RejectBastard RejectBastard thinks you're a loser
  3. loser2 loser2 said: You are awesome. It's like that you are from the fairy tale. Seldom do I know any man that is so loyal to a girl.
  4. LustyLife LustyLife said: forgot to say, you've described yourself and Nhon. But...why don't you describe her? Maybe there's something that doesn't match between you and her...
  5. LustyLife LustyLife said: I've got to say you're a really loyal guy, it's ok to be loyal and that shit, but sometimes those attitudes lead you to non fair people and situations.
  6. LustyLife LustyLife said: WOw, really interesting story!


October 20, 2014

 

I'm 31 and decided at 28 to go back to college to finish my degree. I stayed working but still need more money so borrowed from my mom. Now I'm a junior and am trying to get an internship. At my university they say it's practically impossible to get a job without having had an internship. My grades are excellent. My GPA is 3.92. I've interviewed at three firms and they all told me no. The first one said I didn't answer his questions in a proactive manner. He wanted me to address my variety of work experience and explain why that wouldn't be an indication of job hopping. The second one didn't give any feedback. The third one said I waited too long to go back to school, that I was being defensive about my variety of work experience, gawked at my age, and criticized where I live (in a poor neighborhood). One thing all the interviewers had in common was taking up issue with me moving from my home state to the state I'm in now. They all wanted to focus on it. They all wanted to call me nuts. Or a loser.

So far I've borrowed $18,000 from my mom. I've also borrowed $15,000 on my credit card for house improvements. I owe my dad $3,000. And I anticipate having to borrow an additional $18,000 from my mom before I graduate. So when I graduate, I will be not less than $54,000 in debt. And the gist of the three interviewers? If I was really valuable, I wouldn't have moved away from my home state. So I'll have a shiny degree that everyone insists you can take anywhere, a transcript that traditional college students would salivate over, and work experience that I think makes me more REAL than my competition. But every time I go in for an interview, all they can see is an old guy, a loser, who must've been running from something in Texas.

Here's my personal life. I had a girlfriend more than 4 years ago who would've made an excellent wife. Both she and her young son loved me and I loved them. I tried to hide my depression from them, and during a depressed bout I broke up with her. I've regretted it ever since. I think it's better for the boy because I said things he picked up and he was learning self hate even though I never intended that. Same way I learned it from my dad and I'm sure he never intended it.

The official line is I've been single since 2010. But in 2011 I began a relationship with a married woman. Losers bone other mens' wives. We talked about making it legit but neither of us was really serious about that. We were so stuck. I adopted a secretive attitude. Even boning a really hot woman I had a dark cloud over me all the time. The cloud stayed even after I got rid of her. Now I'm 31, never married, live in a nasty house in a poor neighborhood, no kids, crummy job, 17 year old car about to die, $54,000 in debt, worried I can't get a better job even after I graduate because my age, address, diverse work history, and I'm not a "local" in the eyes of my interviewers even though I've lived in my city for 10 years, no wife or fancy house, not any good women who would be interested as I'm past good marrying age.

Please vote Big L for me.

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  1. RejectBastard RejectBastard said: but ur not big a loser as me
  2. RejectBastard RejectBastard said: So much debt... Thats bad... Thank god for wi-fi. BTW contact some hookers won't you
  3. SatansBae SatansBae said: Hey mate I'm sorry to hear that things arent gong too well but it will get better xx
  4. SatansBae SatansBae thinks you're a loser
  5. Loohooser Loohooser said: It sounds like if you got help for your chronic depression you wouldn't feel so bad.