I'm a total loser because:



August 18, 2018

 

I never thought I would get to a point where I decided I should permanently cease jacking off. Jacking off is a part of who I am and that is the problem. I am a disgusting person when I step away and look at myself, and unwilling to change the parts that are most undesirable.

I am hooked on porn. I finally say it for what it is: an addiction no different than to drugs.

I’m at risk for relapse but so far (10 days) am strong. If what they say about recovery is true, that the desire never goes away completely, then I’ll always have a component of misery but I can work on enhancing my non-misery components.

I’m at risk for sounding like I’m prematurely enlightened; however, at this point in my life I know that things can always get better and they can always get worse. Any enlightenment I share here comes with a full dose of knowledge that I’m only a person and my mind could change at any time. I might lose control just from one trigger, one suggestive movie or incident that others would find innocuous, which would send me back to day 0 and no hope.

Jacking off is/was how I deal with any kind of stress or boredom. In high school I would spend whole weekends locked in my room in a porn fest. I was either good at hiding it or [more likely] my parents decided it was something they’d rather not address. I dedicated ~3 hours per school night and 20+ hours per weekend to collecting and watching porn. That dedication now, much later, is 1-2 hours per day EVERY day.

I hung out with the smart kids and in retrospect have decided I was considered the dumbest of the smart kids. Strangely that’s how I always felt too. In my job, now, that perception of myself is unchanged. There’s something I don’t have that the high achievers do: 1-2 hours per day to dedicate to enhancement not wasted on porn and jacking off?

Since it’s been less than 2 weeks since I made this decision, the porn force is strong within me. I’m constantly thinking about porn and how much I want to give in to it. It’s such a sweet release to see some young eager ho putting her stuff out there and begging to get nailed, then watching her take it in spread eagle while her supple soft-skinned tits flail in all directions, then watching the “come inside,” then watching the stuff drip out while she just lies there being thankful for the pounding she just got. While I’ve had a couple of real girlfriends who mimicked that ho behavior, and it was incredibly hot, I’m now looking for something more real, less temporary, more stable, more trustworthy. I’m starting to respect the people who got married in their early twenties. I wonder if the smart people around me have always known masturbation is a sin, not in a religious sense, but in the sense that it leads to an unstable, unwholesome life, and that is why I am trash and they are high achievers.

I also wonder how obvious it is to people who barely know me that I have this habit. A single guy who lives alone for years, not too eager to marry, dates a series of hot but shallow babes, and whose life and thoughts are in nonstop disarray. A guy who is somewhat functional but just can’t make it over the bump to the next level.

I’ve moved in and out of other habits through the years: primarily alcohol, oh and that medication thing (finally off of it going on 3 months!). I’ve put jacking off on hold a few times before but never with the intention of not going back. The longest I went was 3 weeks and I was proud of that “accomplishment.” If I can manage to pull this goal off, I think it’ll be an accomplishment I can truly be proud of.

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