I'm a total loser because:

I guess the thing to do is reveal my age and sex then tell my story. This story should entertain you because it's not overtly loserly but it does expose some of my and my friends' loserly characteristics.

I'm a 31 year old man.

I fell in love with a girl when I was 13. I never actually fell out of love with Angie, but now I would just call it a long-term crush. She's never been my girlfriend. When I lived with my parents I was strongly discouraged from having a girlfriend, so much so, you might call it disallowed. Because of this culture I was cowardly when talking to girls anyway, but I'm 100% sure she knew I was crushing on her because I was frank about it when my little junior high friends would tease me.

We went to different high schools but I didn't get over her. We even arranged "dates" sometimes, like twice, where we would timidly talk about who-knows-what. I would sometimes call her house, back in the days when people had home phones, and yes, even before Caller ID was a big thing, and get scared and hang up. Her image in my head was that of a goddess. Maybe something to do with teenage hormones or chemicals or whatever but she's permanently imprinted on my brain.

My first year of college I had three guy roommates, so four guys in one apartment. We had all gone to high school together and two of them were former crushes of my crush, so the three of us had this one chick in common. Follow so far?

You tend to bond with college roommates and in a moment of candor while out to lunch with Nhon one day, I expressed to him that I was still hung up on our old friend Angie. I expected teasing and a hard time like any good college roommate would provide and he provided, and I expected him to rile me for a long time and he did, which was fine and completely expected.

After I dropped out of college, one of the many books I read was Love in the Time of Cholera which told the story of a young man who never got the one woman he truly desired until they were old and wrinkly, and I comforted myself thinking I have a lifetime to achieve my woman. Even if she gets married, even if I get married, I'll wait for her, wait 'til her husband dies, then sweep her off her feet.

Between 16 and 21 we didn't communicate: I was probably non-existent to her. I moved a thousand miles away to a new city when I was 21. I felt I needed to get away from everyone I knew, which no longer included my love, so I could do my life my way without being told, "Do this, do that, you're doing it wrong." I had a girlfriend in my new city who I was infatuated with but not in love with. I still am in my city and go "home" once a year for Christmas.

Angie found my email online and messaged me in 2005; good for me! She had actively sought me out and opened a line of communication with me! We started talking on the phone and over several weeks I was open and honest with her. I apologized for sounding creepy and nonchalantly told her she was the one and always would be; I think she's magic and I couldn't be happier that she sought me out. We remained casual friends for two or so years before I decided she must think I'm a loser and I should stop bothering her. Although she's the one, it won't do anybody any good if I just annoy the piss out of her.

Our communication died off in 2007. I do know I have a tendency to be boring and it would be worse than death for me if she thought I was boring, worthless, annoying, etc. and it would be better to let her forget me altogether than for her to remember me as some loser. So a couple more years passed and she emailed me again. She must be between boyfriends and bored, maybe wants to toy with my heart like a cat plays with a dead mouse, who knows. But I got excited again, because this Love in the Time of Cholera theme seems to be playing out, like I'm a backup, and I'm ok with that! Call me anything you want! Just call me!

Our timid relationship lulled again, and for another couple years. Two years ago, to break the silence, I emailed her and made her promise we wouldn't take years between responses, that I valued our friendship and that she's an important person to me. We mostly text back and forth every couple weeks or months now, and that's enough for me, so long as she doesn't hate me or forget me. Remember, this woman is the one and I can wait a lifetime for her.

Now I'll talk about Nhon. He's a dickhead and we've been friends since we were teenagers. When we get together it's classic guy talk--we talk about girlfriends, hot booties, gettin head, doing inhuman horrific things to women, it's really a hoot & a holler. He mostly understands that Angie is a sensitive subject for me, and every once in a while will ask what's up with us but MOSTLY leaves her out of our dehumanizing conversations. As a a courtesy I also MOSTLY don't talk about his girlfriends. Occasionally we get in bitch fights and bring up sore subjects to rile the other motherfucker. Remember, when we were all 13, Angie had a huge crush on him, the same time I had a huge crush on her. He has ALWAYS maintained he was NEVER interested in her. He also sometimes makes a joke about going after her, fully trying to get a rise out of me. I always tell him it's not funny and we should talk about something else.

Less than three months ago, Nhon texted me a picture of Angie's OKCupid profile pic and dickheadedly asked me for my blessing to pursue her. Hell fucking no, I told him. She's mine, there are millions of other girls and the only reason he would go after her is to brag to me that he got her and I didn't. It's not a fucking race and she's not a fucking prize we're competing over. She's mine and that's that. Find someone else, asshole. While I found it perfectly plausible that they could encounter each others' profiles online just by browsing, I still believed that motherfucker was just trying to rile me and he wasn't serious about trying to date her. I got a text from Angie asking, "You didn't give Nhon my number? :P apparently he's been wanting to date me?!?!?" to which I replied, "Huh? No I won't facilitate that. You're supposed to be mine :) even if only in my mind." Nhon kept up his assholery and kept asking me for her number and I got really pissed and told him to fuck off. Finally I gave him the number 1-900-fuck-you and left it at that.

A week later:

"Still mad?"

"Depends on if u tried to have sex with her."

"Nope. Just catching up as friends. The message she sent you was taken out of context."

"You're still an asshole."

A month and a half later he called me again and Angie was not a topic. I spoke to him coldly but cordially and just updated him on current personal events.

Today he called me. It's the day before Thanksgiving and I long ago expressed to him that I'm pissed about his childish behavior regarding my love interest, so I answered the phone with pleasure hoping we could get back to our old ways. He asked about my job and love life and all that and I asked about his love life and he said he actually is dating someone. "Oh? Where did you meet her? Tinder?" "OKCupid." "Is it somebody we've talked about before?" "Yeah." "Are you messing with me?" "No." "How long have you been dating?" "About two months, well, that includes the time we were just catching up on old times." I gave him some test questions that he would only know if he had been talking to her in the last two months, which he answered. "Were you scared as balls to tell me about this?" "Yeah." I let him ramble on about how he's sure it woulda been me if I was living in that city, that it was just a matter of timing, that there's a great woman out there for me somewhere, that I'm a great guy and have so much going for me, blah blah blah, just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll find the perfect woman. Bullshit.

I've idolized her for 18 years. I know she's had boyfriends and she knows I've had girlfriends. She has broken my heart at least a dozen times and I always tell myself she gets unlimited chances. That I will always be available for her. That I'll drop whatever I'm doing if she indicated I'm the one for her. That I'll abandon my house and move back to her city if we can get married and live happily ever after.

They joined forces on this one to break me once and for all. At 31 I'm still lovesick over the same woman, the news made me nauseous, I dropped tears, I looked in the mirror and watched my lips quiver and nose drool. I imagine Nhon pissing lighter fluid on me after I'm shattered, then throwing a lit match and giggling as I catch fire and disintegrate into ashes.

Nhon's done. He knows it. But her. I'm such a loser I'll forgive her in two years.

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  1. OscarWilde OscarWilde said: There's a spanish saying "Amor viejo, ni te olvideo ni te dejo" it means "Old love, can't forget you, or leave you" Sometimes love is not enough. Even when two people love each other. Think about it. *Search for Pook and Anti-Dump
  2. RejectBastard RejectBastard thinks you're a loser
  3. loser2 loser2 said: You are awesome. It's like that you are from the fairy tale. Seldom do I know any man that is so loyal to a girl.
  4. LustyLife LustyLife said: forgot to say, you've described yourself and Nhon. But...why don't you describe her? Maybe there's something that doesn't match between you and her...
  5. LustyLife LustyLife said: I've got to say you're a really loyal guy, it's ok to be loyal and that shit, but sometimes those attitudes lead you to non fair people and situations.
  6. LustyLife LustyLife said: WOw, really interesting story!