November 27, 2014

I made a mistake on the date - I'm so messed up mentally I just assume everything is fucked up all the time - that makes me really fucked up too... but at least if things don't work out tomorrow - I am dealing with alredy... should decrease the impact somewhat... hopefully

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November 27, 2014

There's another teaching today - I wasn't notified of it- I don't have access  to it- I don't understand why...

I've been suicidal for three days now - since my access to a teaching was cut off  on Monday...So, I am dealing with this the same way I've been doing since I was 13...

For whatever reason this is happening -   the 'inside feeling' says it's going to be OK - and I don't know what that means ... the only thing I know - is that I don't know ...

I am increasingly apathetic about everything... so what...

 

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November 27, 2014
  1. LustyLife said: just in case you were a lazy ass, you don't have to scroll down to find my post, i have just posted it again for YOU. So it's right above this one.x

Didn't do that - don't know if I will

  1. LustyLife said: Forgot to say...You've got a job and a child and you consider yourself a loser??? God please...kill me :D Fight against the dark cloud! HAVE A NICE DAYx

My kids are adults - and I am fuckin old or whatever - so what - I am in Asia - mostly to avoid be homeless in the US and because living at the airport sucks... - Tomorrow I will send my month's wages to one of my kids...But, I am actually happy to do this... if I weren't in Asia it would be impossible to do that --- so I'm extremely appreciative  I can do this...

 

As far as the job thing goes, I am a fuckin workaholic - I even have had jobs when I was homeless - I don't think that necessarily makes life any better especially - when I've spent the last few days at work coping with suicidal thoughts every few minutes. I really don't do a very good job when I wanna kill myself all day long...  I know that... sigh...

 

  1. LustyLife said: the problem is, human being is so fucking awesome that every single thing he believe may come true.... Attitude is everything. What you think builds you from the inside...so stop doing that for you...and for your child.x

Actually, the only reason I don't off myself is because of my children - that doesn't mean the inclination goes away - but, I haven't found being human is awesome as best I can tell - this is some kind of Hell world and everyone here is fucked up to one degree or another - I know I sure am...

  1. LustyLife said: Stand right in front of the mirror, look at your eyes relally close and tell yourself the contrary you say everyday. "I fuckin worth it" "I fuckin deserve the best" "I want to be a role model to my child" "I really, really love you" "I can make it"!!!!!!!x

I have no interest in lying to myself. You don't understand just how pervasive the getting fucked over/fucked around thing is - the fact that it even is manifested in the Buddhist sphere is so completely  demoralizing - I have a hard time wrapping my head around it... I mean I get - Buddhists are just people too... Whatever,my primary impression is that this is just a fucked up place and people are fucked up and treat each other shitty for the most part - who knows why?  My current solution is to try and avoid any contact with anyone as much as possible.

  1. LustyLife said: when we have just woken up is the right time to start positive thinking routine, because our mind is starting a new "chapter" so even if the fuckin dark cloud is still above us, we can fight easily against negativity anyway.x

That woulld be fine if I were generating the kind of situations I have been dealing with - but let's see, uhmm, this is emblamatic of my life.. it is a repititive theme that has reoccurred in every job, relationship situation I have been involved in. And it is excessive...I have had co-workers who take important documents when they are needed for me to do my job, delete necessary files, change the work-schedule times, (a manager) to make it look I was late (I didn't catch this one because I am habitually early, but then someone else noticed and told me about it), then there was the co-worker who tried to set me up by having someone call in and complain about me personally (by description) when I wasn't actually on the schedule at that time the complainee specified (their mistake)--I guess because they saw me working they thought I was on the schedule... look, this is a very long list, it goes on for a very long time - and it is quite consistent... Please understand,  I tend to understate things - however, one thing is obvious, I have had  an unbelievable level of difficulty - and 98% is a result of being involved/around/associated/working with people that are more fucked up than me - who somehow are warped enough to believe that hurting other people is somehow ok or that they are justfified in doing so - look IDK... really, I don't get - Bu.t because it keeps happening - not just with work situation- but now with Buddhism too - I am like - seriously where is the fuckin exit outta this place?  This shit is chronic... like getting kicked off a Buddhist Bulleton Board because I was trying to find out if their were any dangers inherent in mediation that I should know about... That was 3 years ago - I should have taken the hint and quit right then, but I'm a total try-hard... so, you know, I kept trying...

  1. LustyLife said: Negative thoughts are like a fucking cloud, once you're in a negative thinking routine, the dark cloud will stay with you as long as you keep being like that... I've suffered excatly the same, even sometimes i still do but not that often.x

Whatever - the actions which people inflict on others are negative - which often provoke negative responses as a result - why is that a surprise? I don't generate a lot of negativity because I find it toxic to deal with. I have a really low capacity to deal with negativity because it is a physically tangible feeling. I can just feel it when it's like in the atmosphere or whatever... So, I don't like to be involved with it.. I avoid it and situations involved with it. Which, unfortunately, now probably includes all things Buddhist as well I guess...

  1. LustyLife said: First of all, stop that fucking negative attitude. I've been thru that in the past, and i can tell you it's possible to overcome it, it's all in your mind. Human being is so awesome that what he thinks could come true. Fight against your thoughts...

No, for me, this solution is not really credible - 'fighting' is  not the  best approach for me... that ultimately results in two things: more energy is put into the mix and the focus of thoughts tend become ensnared by that constant battle -(that has to do with the nueral connecions are made in the brain).

My solution is to totally embrace and accept my feelings and give them full reign and let the turmoil  subside naturally. It's hell to go through at the time - like the last three days have been brutal - but ultimately, I'm able to move past it rather rapidly.  My diffidulties the result from being involved with other people and I am intelligent and self-aware enough to discern this. The most obvious solution is to minimize/limit my contact with other people as much as possible. That's pretty easy to arrange. I keep a professional distance from co-workers and employers. I don't accept any social invitations. I avoid interacting with anyone in personal way... now, I just avoid Buddhist and Buddhist stuff too...

If I were cataliyst for these diffuculties your advice might be suitable. But, trust me, I am a some kind of freak  (I don't mean that in the sense that most people might consider - what I mean is that my life is fuckin' weird --- I can't explain it --- there's something I call the inside feeling' it tells me when things are going to be OK - and then there's the energy thing - some Eastern philosophies seem to have some insight into this stuff - look - I don't know - my life is weird - I expereince things I don't understand and I am excessively targeted by people who act with animousity and ill will towards me - who knows why? 

Trust me - you don't want to me - no one would want to be like this or have this life... I am some kind of freak - and I'm guessing people can feel my freak vibe and that's why it's this way... anyway that's my best guess... but really, who cares?...

I am not looking for someone to 'rescue' me...  I am just externalizing my feelings to eradicate them more rapidly.  Right now, this is the best I can do - standing in front of the mirror saying whatever when other people are doing shitty things (intentionally or not) that  are damaging or harmful to me is not really a viable solution for this particular type of situation.

But thanks for trying... I know your intentions are good and, really, that is the most important thing...

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  1. LustyLife LustyLife said: I've read you. Ok, Good to know you took your time to read my comments. Thanks, Wish you the best of luck, keep standing up.


November 19, 2014

It's 3:00 am and I just finished preparing for work tomorrow...

It appears that I have no access to another Buddhist site again - it is unclear if this is because I'm some kind of messed-up-pariah-reject or if there are some type of bizarre technical difficulties.. I figure there's a strong possibility it's the former as there has been no response to the email message  I sent  a couple days ago asking for help... I checked over and over, hoping to get a message back something, and felt worse and worse every time I found there was no response. I checked just this again before I came onto this site - and because, this is having a negative impact on me... I came here to write this stuff - this is just a fucked-up-lame attempt at some form of pathetic-self-therapy...

I pretty much figure, no answer will be forthcoming...- maybe it is because I sent only a very small amount of money to Mexico - it's hard to say if that is related because I  never heard anything from people I sent it to -except  that it was really far to drive to go and get those funds - I contacted the other people in the US and asked them to help facilitate matters -  but that probably annoyed those people in too - I know it wasn't much money - but I had just sent my family almost every cent I had and I didn't have much left after that- I am repelled by the idea of Dharma for dollars - but it seems like a very common theme in many situations...  I don't know if this is a factor on not - or if I sent a lot of money if things would be different now...

I didn't have  the Internet access until this month - but, I was trying to follow the teachings at work -unfortunately, I could only get on the Internet in the staff room - where everything is recorded on video -  I was trying to be discrete - and not really participating fully ... maybe that was another stupid-loser choice too.

I more or less concluded  I just suck at everything and destined to be a major failure all the way around... I think about this stuff and hope I die soon... wiriting this stuff doesn't exactly help me to feel better - the value of this is that externalizing these thoughts and feelings is as an attempt to dimminish their pyschological impact on me. Which is pretty demoralizing too...

Actually, the biggest problem I have is that I don't handle negativity very well - unfortunately, this situation seems negative to me. Maybe that's because when I firstntried meditating some years ago and the Lama told me I couldn't come any more because I brought my child with me. I begged him to reconsider, crying  like some pathetic idiot, but it was useless, the refused to allow me to return unless I made my child meditate too.. I couldn't do that - I couldn't force or compell anyone to meditate ... that seems wrong to me... so, I had to stop going there and I think about this and the way things are going right now  and realize I'm just a loser as a Buddhist too.

I guess I will go to bed and cry some more now... probably I'll fall asleep that way which is better than staying up all night feeling like some stupid piece of shit and wondering why I'm such a total loser...

 

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  1. LustyLife LustyLife said: just in case you were a lazy ass, you don't have to scroll down to find my post, i have just posted it again for YOU. So it's right above this one.
  2. LustyLife LustyLife said: Forgot to say...You've got a job and a child and you consider yourself a loser??? God please...kill me :D Fight against the dark cloud! HAVE A NICE DAY
  3. LustyLife LustyLife said: the problem is, human being is so fucking awesome that every single thing he believe may come true.... Attitude is everything. What you think builds you from the inside...so stop doing that for you...and for your child.
  4. LustyLife LustyLife said: Stand right in front of the mirror, look at your eyes relally close and tell yourself the contrary you say everyday. "I fuckin worth it" "I fuckin deserve the best" "I want to be a role model to my child" "I really, really love you" "I can make it"!!!!!!!
  5. LustyLife LustyLife said: when we have just woken up is the right time to start positive thinking routine, because our mind is starting a new "chapter" so even if the fuckin dark cloud is still above us, we can fight easily against negativity anyway.
  6. LustyLife LustyLife said: Negative thoughts are like a fucking cloud, once you're in a negative thinking routine, the dark cloud will stay with you as long as you keep being like that... I've suffered excatly the same, even sometimes i still do but not that often.
  7. LustyLife LustyLife said: First of all, stop that fucking negative attitude. I've been thru that in the past, and i can tell you it's possible to overcome it, it's all in your mind. Human being is so awesome that what he thinks could come true. Fight against your thoughts...


November 19, 2014
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June 15, 2014

This may or may not interest you - but if you have an affinity with dreams and also Guru Rinpoche - Padmasabhava - this may be a worthwhile option to explore.

It is called Dream Yoga

Here is a complete book on it

 

http://lucidchan.org/pdf/src/Dream-Yoga-and-the-Practice-of-Natural-Light-Namkh.pdf

Something to consider...

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  1. IamUrSoul IamUrSoul said: armas of his past lives. I know it may sound like a fantasy, but you need faith to understand it. Do you meditate? How old are you and are you currently in a relationship? Thank you very much for the teachings and your post was very insightful.
  2. IamUrSoul IamUrSoul said: e but you mean a world to her. You have provided lot of insights regarding Karma and I thank you for that. However believing in past Karma is very essential as it explains the current condition. Buddha himself recounts his past lives and the accumulated k
  3. IamUrSoul IamUrSoul said: d have accessed the book. The knowledge that i will gain from the book will be shared among the people i know and more. You proved to be very useful and your existence is not meaningless. Your daughter cherishes you which means you are not a waste of spac
  4. IamUrSoul IamUrSoul said: Thank you for providing me the link to a wonderful book. A good deed of yours that will further enlighten my mind. Did you see what you did? You provided me resource to a life changing knowledge. If you had stopped existing or never existed i doubt i woul


June 15, 2014

Whoever you are - I want to take the time to thank you for your post as you are trying to help others here. The limited comment line make it impossible to respond adequately.  I will try to do so here...

First - Karma is very complex (Buddha said it will drive you insane if you try and figure it out). Also, my understanding of Karma is  very limited.  However, that Karma applies to our circumstances is an important consideration. Karma is considered an 'action' in the sense that even thoughts activate some amount of energy... But the most obvious aspects of Karma are reflected in our external actions.

About my parents - When I was getting beat for not talking it was the first time I realized how fucked up they were. Before that, I more or less assumed that it was something I said or did that caused their negative reactions. At a point where I actually said nothing and got beat for it - - I realized they had a huge problem and I think that awareness  just broke my heart completely. Please understand - if it's your problem or your behaviour that's causing the problem, then it's always possible to change the situation, to solve the problem to do something differently. But if its the other person's problem - there's really not much you can do to change it. I know my parents were fucked up - I probably know that better than anyone. I also understand why they are fucked up. And why they did fucked up things.

Some of it is grossly karmic. For example: my mother's mother took her daughter away from her.  That is my grandmother took her grandaughter (my half sister) away from my mother. That left a huge wound in my mother - it damaged her. Then later on, when my younger sister was born with a cleft palate and they had so much to deal with - my mother and father gave my youngest sister up for adoption (my full sister). This was even more damaging and enlarged that wound my mother had in losing another child.

When I got pregnant with my daughter, I knew my parents would try and take it from me. I told my child's father that repeatedly.  It's a long ugly story, but ultimately, that is what happened. I know my parents, especially were trying to do what they thought was best and my mother was just trying to heal her wound that way. Just trying to fix the damage that cruel circumstances had wrought. Of course, this situation made my life even more  hellish and caused me to become even more suicidal than I already was, but I understood my parents were just trying to do the best they could. And I forgave them for hurting me that way. For what's it's worth, my parents never treated my daughter they way they treated their own children, she was coddled, and catered to and loved in a way they never loved myself or my brothers or sisters (of course their financial probblems were resolved by then too).

So, this is an example of gross Karma - the actions we engage in, the decisions we execute, the things we actually do. Those things are influenced by our primary experience and our responses to those expereinces.

Any more subtle Karmas (that you are referring to in the pre-birth epoch) are nearly impossible to identify or address.  It is probably better not to even consider them as they may be subject to illusive conjecture or worse, fantasy... Again, this type or resisdual Karma - is based on the creation of secondary circumstances permitting  it to manifest. There is no way to address these possibiities or potentialities. In my opinion it is better not to speculate on this. It would be pointless to do so anyway.

Regarding your reference to the soul, the individual is considered an ever-changing assembly of interdependent component parts. It exists only as a manfestation of expression. In Tibetan Buddhism, the mind is considered to continue from incarnation to incarnation as the result of karmic activity. However, when the mind reaches realization it dissolves into the empty state (hence my reference - everything of emptiness). My best understanding of emptiness is that is is an unmanifested stare of infinite potentialies. That is, emptiness is what exists before it become material. This is a non-physical state that precedes physical manifestation.

As long as we engage is actions  that we personally identify with, are driven by desire, have emotional attachements or repulsions or fall into dualistic thinking or perceiving - (good, bad, right or wrong, etc), we will be subject to transmigration (reincarnation) - and subject to the laws of karma (this is what the Buddhist consider Samsara I think).

That is all I can tell you about Karma.

About dreams - I can respect that your dream may have directed you to do this and I respect that your intentions are good in doing this as well. I thank you for this.  Will, I consider doing this mantra? Perhaps... I think it is important to consider all options. At this point it is unclear what will transpire.

Take Care whoever you are - I am glad you are doing what you are doing. Thanks again.

 

 

 

 

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June 14, 2014

I remember when I first got into Buddhism and I was on this online Bulletin Board and one of the moderators told me he didn't go to any particular place because of the negativity of the people involved - that is: the negatity of the practioners. I really didn't understand this at the time. Probably because I'm not inherently negative... But, duh, the light clicked on today - and I totally understand what he was talking about.. maybe that's just the way it is...  People trying to focus on being so postitive that the project their negatitivy outwards onto others... or something IDK

Whatever, I started calling my self a loser instead of telling myself I want to kill myself yesterday... that's a big improvement (for me anyway)... 

The truth is, I don't really value my life much... mostly I think being alive is a waste of resources... but I know I would really inflict some serious pain and damage on my daughter if I died. I don't think anyone else would care that much except maybe my son - but he doesn't really talk to me much so I doubt he would notice if I wasn't there that much... But considering the circumstances, telling myself what a loser I am is probably better than telling myself I need to die...

Whatever, remebering what that moderator said to me was helpful... it's like OK - people are fucked up - What a surprise, right?

So now I am more of a loser and less of a suicidess, I guess...  blah,blah,bla

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June 13, 2014

Really, I am both stupid as fuck and not always so dumb... it's  a horrible combination... sometimes I know what's going on other times I don't - and just keep trying different things hoping it works - which is why I kept pusing  the L icon/button (I thought it activated the comment option) God, I am soooo stupid...

 

Sigh... my daughter told me how happy she was lately - and I was like "oh, good - now I can kill myself' I think about killing myself nearly everyday.  I've been like this since I was 13 and my parents used to beat the shit out of me(us - my brothers and sisters) I realized the situation was hopeless - nothing I did would change it.. mostly I used to get beat for saying somthing - so I stopped talking and got beat for that... that's when I became suicidal. I figured out - it doesn't always matter what you do - or how much effort you make - or how hard you try... some things are just fucked up.

And so, I am fucked up too. Like perma-fucked. There's no way to fix this - I am extremely senistive to negatitivty and it's fuckin everywhere... I try to just check out mentally as much as possible. i don't leave my apartment unless I have to. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything...

I found out recently that depression is linked to stress - not just everyday stress or even stressful situations.. but it the maximum stress load that one expereinces during the course of your entire life that produces depression. When you get to a point where you no longer have the ability to cope with stress - depression occurs. Then everything is overwhelming - like putting on clothes. I remember having to tell myself - you can put on this sock, just pull it over your foot, just take the edge and pull it up a little - this is both fucked up and awful to experience. I know I've had an extremely stressful life... I go on here and post things when I feel like I want to kill myself.

This is my therapy... I learned expressing this stuff does make it better - or at least it does for me... expression doesn't have to be verbal - writing has the same benefit... I was really suicidal a lot the week before this and when someone posted a note on a Buddhist web site about someone he knew killing herself. I tried to be supportive... the result was pretty negatvie - the site moderator rejected the message... So I wrote to the site moderator what I was doing and why... I think that made matters worse... I am already a freak, a pariah,  and now probably considered menatlally ill as well. I guess being suicidal is mentally ill - but right - your life is messed up and no matter what you try it doesn't get that much better - so you think that dieing might be better than whatever this shit is.

Today, I'm doing OK because I can write about this stuff. That's an improvement. What damaged me, it wasn't actually my fault... that is - not something that occured as the result of my own actions. My parents beat the shit out of all their children because they couldn't handle their bills and were super stressed out about money (I guess)... whatever the reason was - it still lives in me...

I don't think killing myself is a good choice because of the damage it will do to my daughter. That would be the worst kind of role model I can imagine... so I have to find another way... but I think about the starfish melting up and down the west coast from Alaska to Mexico and know we are way fucked... and wish, so much wish, there was something I could do to fix this place... even just fixing myslef would be a good choice... but there's so many broken pieces scattered like shards on the floor I don't even know how to begin...

I offered to do graphic design for some Buddhists who were looking for volunteers to help - they didn't want me to help because I wasn't part of the 'community' - they didn't even tell me that - they just asked if I was a member of the community and when I told them "No, not really..." they didn't send another email message... and I'm a like - why are you so weak like that? Why can't you just tell me the truth and say you don't want to have any help unless I am some kind of member or your community or whatever...

Being honest is the only thing that really matters and this causes no end of problems... that's not what people want - or, at least, not many people want that...

those of you saying you are losers are honest, maybe that's the way things are - or maybe that's the way things feel or maybe that's the way thing seem - but you are all honest about how you feel and I totally respect that... I don't know where any of us go from here... But I respect all of you for expressing yourself honestly here.

There's no such thing as 'better life guarantee' I was really counting on Buddhism to help me reorient my suicidal tendencies or render them less problematic.  However, the amount of negativity I get from interacting with Buddhists tends to make this problem worse.

 

I'm like, is there anyone who isn't fucked up here? Seriously - I think about  80% of the people I've met are more fucked up than me... That is they treat other people shittier  than I do and don't seem to care if what they do hurts some one else or causes some kind of problem to others (including living creatures on this planet)... I just don't get it...

The only thing I can conclude is this is some kind of Hell planet - I mean it's way obvious it's not heaven.... and the amount of people genuinely trying to do something good and benefit others or the earth or something is such a small percentage of people compared to the majority of people who don't give a fuck or dont mind or are even willing to hurt others or destroy this planet... WTF?

I just don't understand anything - so I avoid everything as much as possible...

I think I maybe should start avoiding Buddhists too... I don't think they really understand their behavior can havthey just don't seem to be aware of that possibility actually, I they are just people like everyone else here...  I am probably extremely deluded about all of this - expecting something that clearly has no basis in the reality of this time, this place or this world... ugh...

 

 

 

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  1. changeordie changeordie said: all the darkness you see and feel is a reflection of yourself, not an accurate representation of the world. the world is a blank canvas. you see what you want to see! until you realize that i dont think you can escape. read more books, you need a fix


May 26, 2014

I guess when it comes to hope we all have one - this is mine - I hope I die really, really soon. I went to one Buddhist thing and they talked about how straving yourself is the best form or suicide - the Jains do that to - I really think that's what I am supposed to do with my life - nothing else makes sense - I was probably born just to kill myself - theat's probably the best thing I can do with my life I probably should have done that a long time ago - it's because I,m so studpid I didn't realize that was teh best option.... it was really, really stupid of me to keep trying so hard... I'm such a total loser I didn't even realise how stupid trying to make my life better actually was. It's not that I am any smarter now - I've just stopped running away from how messed up my life is and how much of a reject-freak I actually am. I just have to accept that my life is impossibly fucked up and and will remain that way and no matter what I do - no matter how hard I try it's goning to be that way... I hope I die really, really soon... I am ashamed to be alive. Being alive has been so degrading. Really, how shitty can people treat each other - there seems to be no limit.  I hope I die really, really soon... as soon as possible I will starve myself to death maybe my daughter will get married and when I know she has someone to help her, to be with her - someone who she can talk to when thinngs get difficult and overwhelming  maybe after hat happnes I can kil myself... seems like I have to wait for everything... you don't know how jealous I am of people who get sick and die - why can't tha be me? 

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